We were eating spaghetti the night it first happened. I was around 10 years old and was regaling my parents with the exploits of my playground nemesis. It the brief pause I took to catch my breath (10 year old girls talk fast), my dad commented on what a moon calf she was. My fork dropped to my plate as I was taken aback by this unheard vocabulary. Naturally I inquired into its meaning but my dad, never shying away from a teaching opportunity, refused to tell. It being the 90’s, I instead went to our dictionaries in a mad search for knowledge. There I found my redemption.
This is when my plan become hitched. The next day, when my bully resorted to her standard fat joke, yours truly informed her “I don’t have time to waste on a mooncalf.” The look of utter shock was salve to the burns she had inflicted. This began the lifelong pursuit to gather vocabulary which would forever render such an expression from all those who dared to cross me.
A Father and Daughter Hobby
Because he was the first to introduce me, I went back to my dad to learn at the hands of the master. He had always been more of a math and science guy so his enthusiasm for words was out of his nature. I, on the other had, believed myself to be something of a wordsmith and so this pursuit was a natural continuation of my interests. Together we embarked on a hobby that has now lasted over 20 years. It has grown both our relationship and our vocabularies. Till this day, when I stumble across a new insult, I immediately call my dad and I likewise rejoice when I receive a dictionary link from him.
What You Came For
Without further ado, please allow to give a list of my favorite old world insults that illicit confusion from your enemies and leaves them feeling nothing short of stunned.
Cockalorum : a boastful self important person
Abydocomist: a bragging liar
Pillock: a very stupid person
Cumberworld: someone who is completely useless
Dalcop: an thoughtless stupid person
Lickspittle: a huge suck up
Frustylugs: someone who is gross
Fustilarian: someone who wastes time on pointless things
Gnashbab: someone who only complains
Mumpsimus: a stubborn person never admits they are wrong
Gobermouch: a nosy person
Klazomanic: a person who yells too much
Loitersack: a lazy good for nothing
Raggabrash: a untidy messy person
Snoutband: someone who interrupts all the time
Zoilist: an extremely nitpicky person
Use With Caution
Now that you are fully armed with the best insults that centuries of the English language could provide, I must warn you to beware their power. The old saying is the sticks and stones break bone and words don’t hurt, but I assure you getting called a ninnyhammer stings a bit. You cant take back harsh things once said, even if they may fully deserve it. The question you must ask yourself is if it worth it to use your superior intellect against others. You may come to find that by knowing yourself, you wont feel the need to resort to a 10 year old’s playground tactics. Instead the haters can be left to hate. I would suggest you check out my post on choosing joy. Kindness to those who deserve it least says more about you than any mooncalf ever could.